I Am Who I AM

By: Bradley Binversie

I had a conversation this week about someone I care about, but who was behaving in a way that was frustrating and a little disappointing.

“They are who, who they are. You can’t change them, so you have to accept them as they are,” was the advice that was given. To me this seemed like a dangerous mindset and something worth digging deeper into.

Most of the psychology and neuroscience that I’ve learned is from Exclusivia contributing experts Dr. Bill, Dr. Gino Collura, and Dr Robert Cooper. It has helped me rationalize this mindset and think about how we can approach change and growth.

The first point, is in dealing with ourselves. Most of our identity and behavior tends to result from the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Some of these stories are imprinted in us as children at a very young age, but often we keep repeating these stories throughout our entire lives without much thought or self examination. “I am smart. I am dumb. I am headstrong. I am not good with people. I am a good friend. I am ___________.” Unfortunately when we tell ourselves these stories, they often become self fulfilling prophecies that unfold almost subconsciously. Whether the stories are entirely true or not.

This mindset also abdicates the responsibility for growth, self-reflection, and personal change.
” I am Who I am. I will always be this way. Everyone around me had better accept it or it’s their problem. ”

Again a very dangerous, but easy mindset to have. I’ve heard Dr Cooper speak many times on how the brain is hardwired to fight change. Change is hard work. The brain really doesn’t want to do hard work on it’s own. It wants to conserve energy so we can survive. Without careful examination, this leaves us stuck in pattern of repeating our same habits, same behaviors, even thinking the same things. Surviving perhaps, but definitely not thriving or growing into our own best lives.

The 2nd major point I wanted to address is change in others. I’m not referencing manipulation or Pavlovian behavior change techniques, but addressing behaviors that bother you in a caring, empathetic, and loving way. I believe it is ok to say to those that we love, “I love you, but when you do this behavior it hurts/bothers me.”

Addressing these issues, this is not a personal attack on their character, but an acknowledgment that the relationship is important you. They are important to you and you want to be closer to them. It’s not easy and requires us to be thoughtful. Yet, if the relationship is important to both people, hopefully meaningful change can be made.

If we think about the people we are closest to: our spouses, our children, our parents, our siblings, and our friends. Those relationships are important, therefore we have a self-responsibility to be willing to examine our own mental models and behavior changes regularly, and asking others to do the same. I can’t help but wonder how many marriages would be saved or improved, how many parents would be closer to their adult children, and how many sibling relationships would be greatly improved is we could all pause and do the hard work necessary instead of just saying, “I am who I am.”